For the longest time I equated self-care with being alone.
I’m sure that a few years ago, when I had smaller children, I would have given anything for 30 minutes to take a nap, on my own, with the door closed. I remember what it feels like to just want to be somewhere, alone, with no little people in sight. I don’t underestimate the power of the occasional silent room.
But even then I can remember it not being so straightforward to relax into things. I always ended up feeling that the time I spent on self-care was never enough, and never nourishing. I felt like if only I could eke a few more minutes out of this yoga class, this walk, this cup of tea, I would enjoy it, I would feel whole. Those “few more minutes” never happened though. It always ended too soon. It never felt like enough.
And when I’d go back home after “self-care” it would always be like someone had suddenly thrown me back on the stage, under the spotlight, after having promised me a front row seat.
Self-care never felt like something that would help me handle my life; it only felt like enough of a taste of another person’s life to make going back to mine just excruciating.
Which is why I now believe self-care works best when it fits into my actual life, it becomes part of the way I want to live my life and the person I want to be. Even if it sometimes feels like a struggle, like moving out of your comfort zone.
I also recognize that for me it’s more about feeling alive, rather than relaxing.
Self-care means long long walks, really tough sweaty yoga, reading and writing, starting a sewing project, coffee with someone I love, discovering something new. I’m still adding to the list. It’s not as easy as you might think.
But mostly, it means recognizing that I can do self-care throughout my day without it having to be a thing that I’m dedicating a chunk of time to, or that I can only do when the children aren’t around. Snuggling with my daughter and reading a book together before bed works, as does a quick float in the sea in between playing beach games with the children. A slow, yummy weekend breakfast reading books and chatting. Gardening together. Swimming short laps with my son.
I’m hoping there are humans out there who feel like we need to redefine self-care – to make it look like part of our lives rather than a break from our lives – to take out some of the expectation and find ways to do it more often, less spectacularly, and in ways that are unique and perfect for us.
I’m a Montessori-ish parent. I wasn’t for the longest time, and I went from attachment to gentle to peaceful to unschooling to a bizarre mix of all of these and finally landed on hard-core, purist, make-no-mistake Montessori. Except, that never really worked out for me. And I realized that being so rigid and uncompromising about my parenting wasn’t doing anyone any favours, least of all my children. So I let go of A LOT of the stuff that matters little, and continue to cling on hard to the stuff that, to me, matters a lot.
In the process, I’ve discovered that you can still be Montessori and imperfect and yes, sometimes lazy. Basically, you can be a good enough Montessorian, most of the time, and everyone will be just fine.
In fact, lazy goes along quite well with Montessori, at times. As a Montessori(ish) parent, and part of a family that moves home and country every two years, I have accepted the fact that we will never have the perfect instagrammable playroom, with all the wooden toys and Montessori materials, and the pristine shelves and the child-level pictures on the walls. And while I salute (and am in part a little envious of) any parent who has the opportunity and talent to do this, I have come to a certain level of acceptance that we have to make Montessori from what we have in the moment.
The thing that makes me so happy about the ideas below is that not only are they Montessori principles, but they also tend to make my life easier, rather than more demanding/time-consuming:
You don’t need all the materials
I think we need to remember this: Montessori education was designed by Maria Montessori as an open-ended method and philosophy. While the materials she designed are essential in a classroom, they are not the end-point of her method, and they certainly do not a Montessori parent make.
Montessori is not set in stone, and neither is your child
Maria Montessori herself refused to define her philosophy and “copyright” it, because she recognized that it would need to constantly expand and evolve. We should probably remember it was never intended as a parenting philosophy, although it does lend itself to adoption in the parenting realm and as a philosophy to raise your family by. But by definition it is open to a degree of change and metamorphosis. I have become a lot more mindful of how as parents we do in fact need to follow the child (a key Montessori principle!), and that sometimes the child and the method will diverge or clash, and we need to have the acceptance and recognition that ultimately, your child’s needs and your family’s needs come first.
Mummy is busy
From around age 3, your child can be expected to play alone for periods of time. Because, boundaries people. We all need them. To be better, more empathic, more compassionate, more SANE humans. Personally, I would start encouraging this a lot sooner than 3 years, with no/low expectations. The key to this is to set up your home in a way that you won’t have to actually get up and follow your child around making sure they don’t break the china/topple down the stairs. For older children, I will usually give them a sense of how long I’ll be busy, and when I will be available. I may set a timer or use an old-fashioned hourglass so they can physically see the time passing.
Some children won’t take to this especially well (trust me, I have one of those), but as long as you keep calm and repeat, they will get it in the end. I supposed you also need to acknowledge times when it’s just not going to happen, and live with that. I’m not suggesting you be busy for long stretches of time necessarily. But I would say that encouraging your child to get creative on their own is one of the best things you can do for them (and you!). And I had/have a child who literally needed someone to play with them CONSTANTLY. So it’s been an uphill struggle for us. But worth it.
A note on boredom: it’s essential! Everyone needs it. I first came across this in my 20s while reading Bertrand Russell’s book The Conquest of Happiness. According to him boredom, or “fruitful monotony”, is the birthplace of creativity, and he states, rather dramatically, “a generation that cannot endure boredom will be a generation of little men, of men unduly divorced from the slow process of nature, of men in whom every vital impulse slowly withers as though they were cut flowers in a vase.”
More recently, much has been written (this is one interesting article, and this is another one, but there are many more) about the idea that children lose something from constantly being entertained. If you can’t stand the whining that comes with boredom, well, here’s what I tell them: Gosh, we have so much work to do in the house, would you like me to give you a task? Sometimes they do, and sometimes they will slink away and go find something interesting to do. Either way, it’s win-win!
You can help me, or you can play on your own
This sort of links up to the idea above. I’ve always encouraged my children to help me out with anything I might be doing around the house. From about 18 months children can help with simple tasks such as loading or unloading the dishwasher, sweeping or mopping the floor (with child-sized brush/mop), tidying toys, sorting socks or cutlery, folding. As they grow older they can begin to do more complex tasks like setting the table, chopping vegetables (we use this child-appropriate chopper), making their beds, watering the plants, the sky’s the limit! Children under 6 will love doing tasks like this, and this is the best time to introduce them to work around the house because they are naturally inclined to want to do adult work during between 3 and 6 years. The only catch with this one is you have to be okay with the way they accomplish the work you’ve given them. Resist the urge to fix/change/correct. I know it’s tough, I’ve been there, but just don’t. If a child’s best appears not to be good enough then they might stop trying.
I trust you guys can reach a compromise
This is definitely one for older children, but you can start trying to implement it when they are little with a little help and guidance from you. It’s the phrase I use when my two are arguing over something but still able think rationally, meaning that noone has lost their cool yet and things haven’t escalated to physical violence. I like this phrase because it means a few different things: that I expect them to resolve small disputes on their own, that I trust they are capable of doing it, that I know they can brainstorm and come up with ideas. I usually give it some time and if nothing has been resolved than act as a mediator, listening to everyone’s grievances and coming up with ideas together for how to resolve this. There’s a more detailed explanation of this in this book, which has some great, Montessori-compatible, ideas for parenting siblings.
Never disturb an engaged child
Last but most definitely not least, one of the central tenets of Montessori and any lazy parent’s dream – the elusive engaged child. I think what Montessori aimed to achieve, when we strip everything away, was a sustained period of deep concentration where the child is fully taken by their own work. This is where real learning, growth and development occurs; this is where the child begins to unveil what has always been within them, what Montessori calls the “divine directive”. But also, people, this is where we as parents and can step back and let them magic happen while we read our books/sip coffee on the sofa/daydream/do gardening/go on Instagram or whatever, and we can sit back in the firm knowledge that what we don’t do is sometimes more valuable than what we do. How great is that? I also like this idea because it’s really about respecting your child’s engagement the way you might expect them to respect you when you’re busy doing something. It’s showing them that you value what they’re interested in, the same way you value your own pursuits.
I recently came across this quote, in Anne Lamott’s brilliant Ted Talk: ” Help is the sunny side of control.” This works in so many ways, but in the context of Montessori, and of some of the ideas above, it’s a beautiful reminder that often when we seek to help it says more about us than the human we’re helping.